The light of 1 Kislev 5785 | אור א כסלו ה'תשפ"ה
Happy Rosh Hodesh | חודש טוב ומבורך
So, here we are, with a video below each of four (4) descriptions illustrating some of the distinguishing features between jealousy and envy in everyday life. Keeping the definitions mixed together, as they have been since at least the late 1950s to early 1960s, has muddled our understanding of what is, and what should be as well.
I'm going slowly because, although the concept I'm conveying is a classic definition, many people today haven't grown up with it, and therefore don't understand it. I was one of them too, until my husband showed me the truth about the division between jealousy and envy — and we're less than a decade apart in age; it's a possible indicator to me of when the confusion started. The way we look at the status of our relationships, and how we deal with that, in large part, is determined by how well we understand what we're looking at, and what the other person — whether friend or neighbor, boss or partner, spouse or child...etc... is saying is happening.
Dear reader, I don't blame you if you're one of these. It's for you that I'm taking the time to take it apart and put it back together the way it should be. These are a few illustrations of the definitions; the next post contains definitions in my own words and how they apply to a relationship with God, and the one that follows points to the definitions one can find online.
Like I said above, this is a slow process. Please bear with me.
Let's begin...
David Watts
by Sir Ray Davies of the Kinks - a real life story from when Davies and his
brother were young and looked up to him; it is described as pure envy.
No One Else by Weezer - This video has lyrics embedded in the video. It is described as small-minded jealousy on the part of the guy singing. I agree that it is about jealousy, not envy.
But, clearly, it is misplaced. I don't know about you, but from what I can tell, they're not married and it seems like she left him, so what's the problem? Why is he crying that he wants a different kind of girl, when he still calls the subject of this song his girl? And can't he speak for himself? "Tell her it's over" is not the way to tell someone it's over. Or is it just that he's the one who hasn't received the text or email?
(Oh, wait, this is from a few decades ago...maybe a handwritten note was left on the kitchen table? 🖊 😉)
This may be a partial explanation of why "institutional," documented intimate relationships between men and women are a must. When I was younger, people were less likely to take them seriously; and now, it seems even far less likely. The few who took it seriously (waiting for marriage to act married, observing other relationships carefully to see whom they wanted to emulate if their parents weren't doing so well) are more likely to have progeny now (grandchildren and great-grandchildren) than those who didn't, or were unable to think through how they were going to proceed through life. I say likelihood, not certainty, because other factors come into play as well.
That said, I feel and hear the pain of adopted and foster children, whether legally done or not. My own mother and her two older brothers were either foster children or adopted — each by a different family. I still don't know the whole story. Mom loved the four younger children she grew up with; among other things, she fought the neighborhood bullies who tried to harm them when they were little. But her original family was torn apart, savaged by the government of the city they all grew up in. I am fortunate enough to have met some of my mother's original family and descendants at different times of my life, but we are not close. My uncles both passed away some years ago.
The worst part, for Jewish families who have foster and adopted children, is that these people need to know their real ancestry in order to perform their actual roles in the religious framework, among other things, when they grow up.
I understand that in Israel we don't encourage adoption. Instead, children who lose their parents are given to their closest relatives who can take them. This may prove to be too simplistic, but it's what I was told when I first arrived here. I haven't seen how this is done, but I hope that either I don't have to, or that I would be ready to take mine, if I must.
All in HaShem's hands...
Who Is He (And What Is He to You)
by Bill Withers. This is mainly jealousy and partly envy because the
woman is his by relationship, but the man staring him down on the
street, and her looking down, spells trouble ahead...and envy because of
that man's ability to steal her heart from him. (What is she in the song's "real life," wife or live-in girlfriend? Not so clear.)
This
song is the most similar, in modern terms, to parshat Pinchas and the one before,
that tells the story of when our ancestors betrayed God by worshiping
entities other than Him — the spiritual equivalent of giving your heart to another instead of
your spouse. If it is your spouse, better to divorce first...but be sure
you know what you're doing! As the song says, "Before you wreck your old home, be certain of the new."
My husband (bless him!) thinks this song, Jealous by Labrinth, is the best, word-wise, for defining jealousy. As I see it: Jealousy for what was; now that the female subject of this song is no longer with him — and happy without him — there is a measure of envy for a future that doesn't include him.
***
I hope you enjoyed these videos. As you might be able to see, while jealousy and envy are involved in a lot of the same issues, they are quite opposite in one important way: One seeks to protect what he/she has (jealousy), while the other wants to take what someone else has for him/herself (envy).
Sometimes a person can have both at the same time! And sometimes one of these can be hidden, as in last week's Torah portion, Toledoth, when the Philistines are "kanai" over land that they had farmed previously and not succeeded, and along comes Yitzhak and reaps 100-fold of what he sowed in the land (it doesn't say how he got it, so I'm not sure whether he owned it or not).
The point here is that the Torah (see video in the first part if you haven't already) sees the need for regulating relationships between human beings and their property, as well as their family and friends in order to avoid some of the problems noted in the videos.
Among other things, that's why living together, "shacking up," or whatever it's called today (I admit that I may be out of touch with current terminology), is not such a great idea. It brings on a lot of these problems without acceptable solutions on its own.
***
Our relationship with The Eternal God is something else altogether. Putting Him in the position of envy is, to say the very least, not a good idea! It might get you killed...as it did with the Hebrews in the desert when they strayed from Him, who left Him with...dare I suggest...envy of what these lesser beings, these so-called, FAKE gxds of the Midianites, could do to TAKE HIS CHOSEN PEOPLE AWAY FROM HIM! How DARE they!
But...what about the ones who responded to their call and let them do it? They had already heard the 10 Commandments...the first one of which is Have no other gxds before Me!
(...which I find interesting to translate the original Hebrew על פני (al pa-NÁI) according to this colloquialism: Don't have other gxds in My Face! Because everything is always "in His Face.")
No wonder He was angry enough to kill thousands. I think that some people may have been in that situation themselves in some way, never imagining that this, writ very large, is what the Almighty encountered and dealt with in His inimitable way.
I
hope to describe and explain the difference further in future posts, if
this one doesn't suffice. I feel that this difference is an important part of what will be highlighted
in the nearest future, perhaps in the coming year, as we continue to
go through the big sorting process known as birur in Hebrew.
Many of us have been confused because these words have been presented to us as synonyms. I hope I've been able to clarify that they are actually antonyms, involved in the same issues.
See you in part 3, be"H!
